Therapeuticness

Yesterday I decided to get a massage.

Fifteen weeks of hunching over a computer, study, stress and sitting cross-legged on my bed with an XBox controller have not helped my back muscles any.

I decided to try an Eastern health clinic, just for something different. One of those places which does acupuncture and stuff like that.

Of course, being an Eastern health clinic, they don't really speak English.

So I started reading the signs out the front, and within five seconds I had encountered what I call the 'Hopeful Asian Expression' sales tactic. It simply consists of an Asian person standing in front of you with a hopeful 'you buy?' expression of his/her face.

And dammit if it doesn't work a charm every time. (I should try that in my own sales pitches.)

The Hopeful Asian Man had already pushed a brochure into my hands so I chose a neck, shoulder and head massage for 35 minutes. The place was very professional and had the cool weirdo beds and curtains and stuff, but I had one of those "Gee, I wish I spoke my ancestors' mother-tongue" moments when the two guys started going a mile a minute in Mandarin. It's sort of awkward standing there when all you can hear is a rapid-fire mix of something that sounds only vaguely like "Nizhixinwoyoumeibuzhi...ahhhh...."

Then they showed me to a cubicle and pulled the curtains shut with absolutely no instructions.

So I stood there for a moment, not exactly sure what to do. I assumed I was meant to get undressed, except was it just my top? Could I leave my jeans on? What about my bra?

No information was forthcoming.

However, I heard an equally bemused voice from next door call out, "I've never done this before...what do I need to do?" This was followed by a brief, "Take top off," so I followed suit and shucked my shirt into the plastic bucket.

The guy came in and said something mostly unintelligible, so I said, "Pardon?" and he repeated, "I give you little bit extra," and at this I said, "PARDON?!" and he explained, "Other masseuse running late so I give you more time."

(Phew.)

Anyway, I'm still not sure whether I like massages or not. They tend to be therapeutic rather than relaxing, and I can safely say that the Western ones hurt- the last one I went to was actually quite painful and the one I had at the physiotherapist left my skin raw. The Chinese one that I had today was actually not too bad. The 'little bit extra' that I got was an extra ten minutes- not anything else suspicious thank you very much- and they threw in a back massage as well as neck, shoulders and head.

I could definitely have done without the butt-kneading (what the hell that was about I will never know) but it was okay, although I ended up smelling suspiciously of weird Chinese massage oil for the rest of the day.

I think that's enough of a foray into alternative therapies for me.